I was reflecting on my journey today and realized that, while it has been long and rough up to this point, it has also been rich with wonderful experiences. I share one of these experiences with you today. This was from a retreat meditation day. I was told to get out in nature, see what happened and journal about it. This is my entry.
I sit here on the sand, looking at one of God’s best creations – the shore. The waves are a lullaby to my soul. God is with me here. I am reminded that love is constantly reaching out and searching for me. Much like the ocean waves, love is ever present – just waiting for us to partake.
I stand and make my way to the waves. As they caress my feet, I begin to feel contentment and peace. I look further into the face of God through the waves. I am hypnotized by this presence; calmness overwhelms me. I go in deeper. I want more. The waves are now crashing at my waist and I feel them as the hand of Jesus, leading me onward.
Then I begin to get tossed by the waves. The undercurrent begins to pull at my feet; trying to lead me in another direction. I am torn. I do not like this feeling. It should not be this hard. The current has its way with me. Now, I am moving in a different direction; too tired to fight against it. Where did Jesus go? What happened to the face of God? Why did they leave me? My heart cries. I am breaking.
The once caressing waves are now beating my body and disorienting me. I do not know which way I came from or where I should be going. One after the other, the waves crash; closer and closer together they come. I go under and see the churning surf. Another wave crashes down. I am upside down. As I swim towards the surface, I find myself going deeper and deeper into darkness.
Does God even exist? If so, why on earth am I in this place? It is scary, dangerous and completely out of control. I am trying so hard to get to the surface; but I just keep sinking deeper with each wave that crashes on me – death, divorce, cancer, loneliness, anxiety. I wonder how I can go on and job security comes crashing down. I am hurt. Why would Jesus lead me here? He is supposed to love me and take care of me. Where is He?
I cannot hear myself think with all this noise. This is not the way life is supposed to be. And if it is, do I really want it; the chaos, the confusion, the pain? I shift one of my feet and get pulled further under. I am gulping for air. It is hard to breathe. Bills crash down and then comes worry and more anxiety; God where are you?
The waves grow still. I look around and realize I can breathe now. I am sitting on a surfboard; where did that come from? As I drink in more breath, I become aware of the incredible beauty around me. Others are around me on surfboards – my family, my friends. We are all waiting for the next wave. I am thinking; when did I learn to surf?
A swell comes toward us. It is a big one. I see the whites starting to appear and we all get ready to ride. The wave crests and we are on our way to the shore. I look back and see Jesus guiding my board, smiling at me. On the shoreline, I see God glowing praise and my three dogs anxiously wagging their tails. My family and friends ride in different directions. I go to God. “Where have you been”, I asked. “With you”, He answered. Why did not you help me? My child, I carried you through to a place where you could come back to me.